Say What?

Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a book that is coming out in a few months. Of course she did! She's joined a long list of crappy actresses who believe that they are writers (ie: Tori Spelling, that girl from the Hills). This is after she already reached the milestone of actresses who believe they are singers and put out music albums. To be fair, she was considered a "pop star" in Japan. But this is the same country where you can buy underwear via vending machine, so they probably go nuts over bright colours and plastic wrap.

*as an aside, Hayden Panty-ierre: I once watched your 'Wake Up Call" music video on youtube. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I think I was suffering from temporary brain damage because I acknowledge that I did it of my own free will. I wasn't coerced (except by stupidity), and no one held a gun to my head. Nevertheless, that's 4 minutes of my life that I want back. I realize that scientists haven't invented the time machine yet so in the interim, I will accept a payment in the amount of $564,000,546 for the mental anguish I suffered watching your video. I was scarred for life because prior to that moment, I had no idea that someone could suck that much. I accept VISA and cash. No cheques please; considering your career has the longevity of sushi during a heatwave, I'm afraid it'll bounce. No offense.*

So yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is coming out with a book. Is it about whether pink thongs make you look fatter than black thongs? No. Is it about how best to flip your hair while preening and posing on a red carpet? No. Is it about what it's like to be a C-list actress on a TV show that no one seems to watch? No. She's on Ghost Whisperer and while people must watch it because it stays afloat, I charge you to find a single person who willingly admits to watching it. Preferably someone below the age of 40.

It's about relationships. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS....

..in particular her experiences with love and dating. Authors are generally told to write what they know. So I suppose in a way, JLH is doing just that. She doesn't know anything about acting or singing so she clearly has no content for that subject. But dating losers? And lots of them? WHEW! She sure takes the cake.

Let's recap Jennifer Love Hewitt's love life, shall we? Dated John Mayer. Evidently that includes 98.5% of females in Hollywood. Dated Carson Daly and broke up with him through a radio show. Classy. Has a broken engagement with a guest star on her show and is now dating Jamie Kennedy. JAMIE KENNEDY! If dating Jamie Kennedy doesn't qualify you for giving relationship advice, then I'm not sure what does. Because who doesn't want to read Chapter 12: "Trying to get your boyfriend to bathe (and have decent hygiene) while wishing he was remotely funny".

That being said, if I wanted to hear about the experiences of women who date idiots, I'd just spend more time with my friends. I wouldn't pay the $0.99 to buy JLH's book out of the bargain bin. Hell, all I need to do is walk out of this office, go to my co-worker and say "How was your weekend? You and your boyfriend do anything?".

However, just listening to normal woman talk about their failed relationships would cause me to lose out on JLH's special brand of crazy. I am of course, referring to the chapter I've titled "Holy Fuck, I am stupider than anyone ever thought possible!". She has an entire chapter dedicated to what she likes to do after a failed relationship

Does she eat a tub of ice cream and cry for hours afterwards?

Does she write angry poetry and/or buy voodoo dolls? Talk about swearing off men and only dating women?

Does she update her facebook/twitter with too much information, crying about why her boyfriend doesn't want her?

No, she takes out her bedazzler and decorates her vagina with swarovski crystals. Seriously. She calls it "vajazzling" her "vajayjay". The fact that JLH caused me to use the word vajazzling, and vajajay is enough to earn her a lifetime of Miss Nihilist derision and scorn. In fact, prior to this post, I had never used the word vagina in a post--something that I had prided myself on. Now however, I have to reset the days-without-writing-the-word-vagina counter back to 0. Thanks JLH, thanks a freaking lot.

AN ENTIRE CHAPTER! Once you admit to putting crystals on your vagina, I think that's about it, don't you think? What else is there to say? Unless you're a gynecology textbook, there isn't much to be said about vaginas, much less the art of decorating them. But somehow JLH manages to write an entire chapter about what she clearly believes is this enlightening and empowering experience. She probably also finds spiritual fulfillment in colonoscopies.

What I'd like to know is... who looks at a bedazzler and thinks "wow, this would be great to use on my privates?". "Yeah, no... that jean jacket is just too far away, let's just use what I've got on me." And who admits to doing something so absurd? What is she hoping to achieve by admitting this? I mean, we're all guilty of doing some fairly disgusting things in the privacy of our own home, but I'm not announcing my bad habits on national television. You have to draw the line somewhere.

At the risk of sounding crass, who wants their privates feeling/resembling shiny lizard skin? Oh yeah, JLH. She claims that it's "cute". Cute is a nice sweater that makes your waist look less like the length of the Golden Gate Bridge. Cute is a pair of glasses that makes you look less like a sumo wrestler. Cute is a haircut, or a child, or a little furry animal. Your vagina is not cute. Cute is not your vagina. A vagina is not an accesssory, it doesn't need decoration. Before yesterday I would have thought that was fairly self-explanatory, but when the world is populated with people like JLH, inherent concepts are just thrown away for the sake of... I don't even know what this is. There hasn't been a word invented yet to reflect the ridiculous monstrosity of bedazzling your vagina. Just asdlfkjadlfkjalkfjaf! Which is the sound of my brain exploding.

What's frightening is that there is a considerable percentage of women who will probably try vajazzling (there goes that word again) their privates. They're probably hoping that the crystals will blind men into throwing larger denominations of coins while they're working.

Last year, JLH took a lot of flack for some unflattering shots the papparazi took of her on the beach. She claimed that she was a SIZE TWO! when in fact she was a size 8 or so. But she was so outraged that she promptly lost 18 pounds and was put on the cover of People magazine. As if being a size 8 was something to be horribly ashamed about. HELL! The morning I wake up and I'm a size 8, I'm going to thank the heavens, ask for a pony, and dance like a maniac. But I suppose for a hollywood c-list starlet, the next step after being publically criticized for your weight is to bedazzle your privates. Duh.