Happy Halloween everyone! I used to look at trick or treating with a bit of disdain. As I grew older, I felt that it was insulting to go to a stranger's house and be forced to sing for amusement in exchange for one measly piece of candy. Especially since you could get several bags of candy for mere pennies just the next day. Now, I am of the opinion that for the amount of money people spend on candy these days, how they get their jollies from the children (within reason!!!) for the out exchange of candy is none of my business. I guess I just feel as though trick or treating is a lost art now. And that makes me sad. Instead of spending the few hours walking around the block and being proud of the several pillowcases of candy you had to drag home, children are walking around malls, in the comfort of heat no less, and don't have to take one step around the block. People are buying heaps of candy for children who no longer ring their doorbells. On top of that, the weather is getting increasing disagreeable and parents don't want to release their children to -15 degree weather to go tromping around the block for candy! AND, the world just appears to be getting more dangerous (especially in a post 9/11 world) and parents can't be blamed for being mistrusting of strangers out there. But still, it is sad to think of trick or treating becoming obsolete. Although I used to be critical of Halloween in previous years, I now envy those youthful children who look forward to dressing up and recieving candy. And more than that, I envy those children for having something to do on Halloween! It sure as hell beats dressing up and "trick or treating" in your living room with your significant other, giving away candy you bought together the day before. In fact, anything beats the hell out of doing that! Could we be any lamer?

The following is 10 things that I learned from watching Saw I, II, and III:

1. Cutting your foot off is never a good idea. EVER. And, no matter how optimistic we are about it, cutting off a foot and crawling out of an abandoned warehouse will always result in death.
2. Don't ever hire Donnie Walhberg for a part in your movie unless he plays "Angry Cop #1".
3. If you ever wake up in an abandoned warehouse with a message from a sadistic monster, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS make sure that every person in the room with you is in fact, dead as a doornail.
4. People don't change. A self-mutilating drug addict will always be a self-mutilating drug addict.
5. Characters named Adam always have it the worst. Not only are you stuck in containment for 8 hours in a complete shit-hole, you will be shot, forced to beat a guy to a bloody pulp with a toilet cover, left for dead for an indefinate amount of time, only to be... smothered to death. Oh poor, poor Adam.
6. Doll/Clown faces are the scariest things alive.
7. If the tape recorder says that you only have a minute to find an exit, don't spend 45 of those precious second dicking around. Find that bloody key/tip/clue/whatever but don't waste your time doing it!
8. Being Wesley in the Princess Bride just pigeon-holes you for roles. Clearly, the only natural direction for Cary Elwes to take (after being Robin Hood as well) is Dr. Lawrence Gordon, the philandering surgeon. Wesley and Dr. Gordon are like two peas/roles in a pod.
9. Don't hire Danny Glover as the lead investigator in a murder trial. Without Mel Gibson to be his leader buddy, Danny Glover is completely ineffectual. It's all shrugging and confusion and cries of "what do I do?". It isn't pretty. It's all slashed throats and shotgun blasts and Danny, you know you wish Mel would have been there to help you out. Just think of it this way: WWMD? What would Mel do?
10. Sometimes inhabiting places that have zero lighting just targets you as a victim. Save those precious pennies people and GET SOME FUCKING LIGHTS IN YOUR PLACE. And for that matter, get some bloody good locks too. Then that way, killers wouldn't be able to break into your apartments and hide in the shadows. Just a thought.

Ah, all my good life lessons I learned from SAW.

Speaking of things that I hate.....

I hate people who operate under such delusions that they have absolutely no understanding of who they are, or what they are capable of. I'm referring to the people who make various declaratory statements and when push comes to shove, display the exact opposite behaviour. I am talking about people who want to be certain personality traits so badly that they spend countless minutes, declaring to anyone who will listen, that they are in fact that certain personality trait. Yes, I am referring to those people who constantly state that they won't take any crap, and will be confrontational in order to stand up for themselves. More often than not, it is the people who make such declaratory statements who often exhibit the exact opposite behaviour; instead of being confrontational and standing up for themselves, they are the ones who take the cowardly route, or end up cowering in the corner. It is almost as if they feel that the more they say it, the louder they declare it, it will make it true. And I for one, subscribe to the policy that actions speak louder than words; no amount of declaring that you are strong and brave will ever reverse your cowardice if you are in fact a coward. And for those who state that they won't take any crap and will call you on your actions, I only have this to say to that: bullshit. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. You are a dirtbag, and I feel sorry for you, you pathetic dirtbag liar.

If I was a musician, a career high for me would be having Tim McIlrath do guest vocals on a song.

Here's something that I hate:

People who primp and priss in front of public bathroom mirrors.

I can understand straightening out your hair, and smoothing down your shirt or your skirt. But the people who spend several minutes primping their hair, and touching up their makeup, and whirling around in the mirror so they can closely observe their bodies in every concievable angle need to understand that public bathrooms are for two things: Number 1, and number 2. They aren't primping rooms, or vanity rooms, they are bathrooms! And frankly, nothing is more irritating than waiting for someone to vacate the bathroom because you need to do your business and having them primp themselves in the name of Beauty for 5 minutes while you are desperately trying to hold onto your bladder... and other things.

However, the thing that I hate more than people who primp and priss in front of public bathroom mirrors..... people who primp and priss in front of bathroom mirrors BEFORE THEY HAVE WASHED THEIR HANDS. You wouldn't rub your hands over, under and around a toilet seat and various other bathroom fixtures, would you? They why oh why, would you emerge from a bathroom stall and proceed to run your fingers through your hair, or touch your clothes? There's a word for that: it's called DISGUSTING. And touching your hair, face, and clothes prior to washing your hands kind of eliminates the point of washing your hands, don't you think? While I don't condone the use of bathrooms as your own personal primping station, I certainly would prefer people who primp with clean hands, versus those who primp with pee-stained, germ-infested hands. WASH YOUR HANDS PEOPLE!

New York in Review

So this is my first blog, post-New York and I thought it would be appropriate to do a review of New York.

Top 5 or so things about New York:
1. MOMA & Frida (my oh my!!)
2. That view from the Empire State Building
3. Having my fat ass pedalled around Central Park
4. Broadway baby. "I'm defying gravity!".
5. Staten Island Ferry. I have a thing for Ferries....
6. MOMA gift shop!
7. Sure beats the hell out of being here in Edmonton!
8. Bagel Buffet. I miss having freshly cooked bagels with 4 inch cream cheese and real jalepenos in it. YUM!
9. THE WRECKERS!!!

And the Top 5 or so things I hated about New York:
1. That smell. That putrid sewer smell!
2. Those sullen, grumpy New Yorkers who never smile, say thank you or overall feel fantastic about the fact that they are living in New York fucking city.
3. How damn expensive everything is. Do I need to sell a kidney just to be able to afford a cup of coffee?
4. Mass commercialization of stores. Gaps, Starbucks, J. Crew, Papaya something, Barnes & Nobel on every single street corner of the entire damn city.
5. The absence of my beautiful, comfortable, Laura-isized bed.
6. The prevalence of what New York sushi shops call "spicy mayonaise". It ain't spicy mayonaise. It is thousand island dressing with chili powder and it does not deserve to be on my spicy tuna/salmon rolls goddamnit!
7. Regular Canadian condiments. Where is my plum sauce for fucks sake? And I don't want no dijon spicy mustard! I want good old regular mustard!

That is New York in a nutshell folks.