I've been sitting on this blog subject for a while. It's been sitting in my drafts, just waiting to be finished/tweaked and posted. But i could never get it to quite jive. The writing never flowed properly, and it just didn't feel right. Hence it never got posted. What I failed to realize is that I was missing a necessary ingredient to make the post work. In this case, the missing ingredient is indignant outrage.
The victim?
Elaine Lui. AKA Lainey. Of laineygossip fame.
I'll admit it, i love celebrity gossip. I love the seedy underbelly of fame and all it's pitfalls of wealth, drama, and scandal. I eat it up with a big judgemental spoon and then have room for political scandal and some tv on the side. In fact, my mind is a steel trap of useless knowledge about celebrity relationships, gossip, and factoids that would benefit me greatly if I was taking some crappy pop quiz from Cosmo. However, probably not so much if I was on Jeopardy. For instance, did you know that Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" was written about Dave Coulier of Full House fame? Yeah, put that in your cap and smoke it.
However, what I can't stand is sanctimonious, hypocritical gossip bloggers. I realize that gossip bloggers and celebrity gossip go together like mac & cheese; they exist in some sort of symbiotic relationship that results in mutual life-suckage. However, there is no call for gossip bloggers to act self-righteous and smug about their occupations, considering they are equally guilty of fame-whoring as the celebrities they debase and criticize so mercilessly.
It's something that's bothered me about lainey's site for a long while now. But I sucked it up, and kept visiting (I know: me = glutton for punishment). However, the last straw was when she bashed Kristen Bell, saying she was barely distinguishable. Lainey even insinuated that KBell was a bitch.
KRISTEN BELL! Oh no you don't!
For some people, reverent topics include their children, their spouses, etc... For me, a cardinal rule is: YOU DON'T INSULT KRISTEN BELL. I realize that sometimes Kristen Bell violates good taste--seriously, it looks like monkeys picked out her outfits and then she got dressed in the dark--but the woman was Veronica Fucking Mars. She is the paragon of cool. And Lainey has now earned herself an implacable enemy. ERRRGGH!
I'll warn you: it's a looooong one.......
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I'll take that top in puke green please.
I know, I know, it's been a while. Evidently I'm actually expected to work during workhours. It's a travesty and I fully intend on contesting it at my next evaluation. Somehow I suspect it's going to be my last evaluation, but nevertheless, let no one say that I don't stand up for what I believe in--regardless of how cracked and wrong it might be!
However, I take a break from the necessary requirements of my job to bring you this:
Cornell's Pi Phi Sorority dress code manual!
Here's a sneak peek:
Ooooh, this is like throwing a struggling alcoholic into a vat of vodka: no matter how reasonable and kind I try to be, inevitably, I am going to succumb to my vices and unleash some major snarkitude here.
However, I take a break from the necessary requirements of my job to bring you this:
Cornell's Pi Phi Sorority dress code manual!
Here's a sneak peek:
Ooooh, this is like throwing a struggling alcoholic into a vat of vodka: no matter how reasonable and kind I try to be, inevitably, I am going to succumb to my vices and unleash some major snarkitude here.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Say What?
Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a book that is coming out in a few months. Of course she did! She's joined a long list of crappy actresses who believe that they are writers (ie: Tori Spelling, that girl from the Hills). This is after she already reached the milestone of actresses who believe they are singers and put out music albums. To be fair, she was considered a "pop star" in Japan. But this is the same country where you can buy underwear via vending machine, so they probably go nuts over bright colours and plastic wrap.
*as an aside, Hayden Panty-ierre: I once watched your 'Wake Up Call" music video on youtube. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I think I was suffering from temporary brain damage because I acknowledge that I did it of my own free will. I wasn't coerced (except by stupidity), and no one held a gun to my head. Nevertheless, that's 4 minutes of my life that I want back. I realize that scientists haven't invented the time machine yet so in the interim, I will accept a payment in the amount of $564,000,546 for the mental anguish I suffered watching your video. I was scarred for life because prior to that moment, I had no idea that someone could suck that much. I accept VISA and cash. No cheques please; considering your career has the longevity of sushi during a heatwave, I'm afraid it'll bounce. No offense.*
So yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is coming out with a book. Is it about whether pink thongs make you look fatter than black thongs? No. Is it about how best to flip your hair while preening and posing on a red carpet? No. Is it about what it's like to be a C-list actress on a TV show that no one seems to watch? No. She's on Ghost Whisperer and while people must watch it because it stays afloat, I charge you to find a single person who willingly admits to watching it. Preferably someone below the age of 40.
It's about relationships. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS....
*as an aside, Hayden Panty-ierre: I once watched your 'Wake Up Call" music video on youtube. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I think I was suffering from temporary brain damage because I acknowledge that I did it of my own free will. I wasn't coerced (except by stupidity), and no one held a gun to my head. Nevertheless, that's 4 minutes of my life that I want back. I realize that scientists haven't invented the time machine yet so in the interim, I will accept a payment in the amount of $564,000,546 for the mental anguish I suffered watching your video. I was scarred for life because prior to that moment, I had no idea that someone could suck that much. I accept VISA and cash. No cheques please; considering your career has the longevity of sushi during a heatwave, I'm afraid it'll bounce. No offense.*
So yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is coming out with a book. Is it about whether pink thongs make you look fatter than black thongs? No. Is it about how best to flip your hair while preening and posing on a red carpet? No. Is it about what it's like to be a C-list actress on a TV show that no one seems to watch? No. She's on Ghost Whisperer and while people must watch it because it stays afloat, I charge you to find a single person who willingly admits to watching it. Preferably someone below the age of 40.
It's about relationships. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Bookmarked?! Well hot damn!
It appears that I've had another anonymous commenter come and go like a ship in the night. But... oh! WAIT UP! This commenter has plans to stay. He/she wants to put up his/her feet up in Miss Nihilist's lovely bed and breakfast, and indulge in some snarkitude. What in the hell am I talking about, you're probably thinking, and I'll tell you:
I'VE BEEN BOOKMARKED!
Did you hear that? That was me squuuuueeeeeeing all around the block. I realize now, looking at the word "squuuuueeeeeing", it appears as if I was doing an extremely lengthy pee, but squeeeing is a good thing, I swear. SQUEE is the ultimate in excitement. Yes, I know it seems shocking and impossible that I am capable of getting excited and willingly emitting sounds such as "squee"--considering that I write as if I have a permanent frown tattooed on my face--but quiet in the peanut gallery, would ya?
So this particular commenter not only said that I've been bookmarked (squee! I can't even write bookmarked without squeeeeing), he/she also said that I was cute (let's face it, I am), that he/she was a fan, and that I've gained his/her love. Actually, what he/she wrote is:
You've gained my love, love.
Now, I don't know what it says about me that I am actually more excited by the fact that I was called "love" by someone on the internet than about the bookmarked part but there ya go. Because the "love" sentiment causes me to think up elaborate fantasies where my commenter is from the UK, and will help teach me new british words and.... oh gasp.... could possibly be the queen! Okay, okay, now I'm running away with delusional thoughts again. The queen has better things to do than read my blog, she's probably off perfecting her wave and learning how best to pair plaids with her crown or something. But still.... yay!
Anyway, now I digress. But the bookmarking has me thrilled because I've never been bookmarked before and I'd like to think of bookmarking as the ultimate in blogginess. It's a relationship of sorts, and I'm going to do my best to deliver. However, if you do break up with me (ie: unbookmark me), please tell me so that I can go eat an entire box of cookies in despair and cry about what I did wrong. Until of course, I ultimately realize that this is the internet and I'm not a pathetic bumhole (at least not about this) and bounce back better than ever. In the meantime, welcome! Here's a welcome gift:
You play your cards right and maybe you'll even get the matching one! Yes, I'm not above throwing out gimmicky gifts in order to keep my readers--it's better that you know this about me now. I have no shame.
Now onto the meat of things: I recently got an iphone. UH OH! Cue the sound of impending yuppie-itude. I imagine it sounds something like this: meowscratchuhdudblechpumpboo...
I'VE BEEN BOOKMARKED!
Did you hear that? That was me squuuuueeeeeeing all around the block. I realize now, looking at the word "squuuuueeeeeing", it appears as if I was doing an extremely lengthy pee, but squeeeing is a good thing, I swear. SQUEE is the ultimate in excitement. Yes, I know it seems shocking and impossible that I am capable of getting excited and willingly emitting sounds such as "squee"--considering that I write as if I have a permanent frown tattooed on my face--but quiet in the peanut gallery, would ya?
So this particular commenter not only said that I've been bookmarked (squee! I can't even write bookmarked without squeeeeing), he/she also said that I was cute (let's face it, I am), that he/she was a fan, and that I've gained his/her love. Actually, what he/she wrote is:
You've gained my love, love.
Now, I don't know what it says about me that I am actually more excited by the fact that I was called "love" by someone on the internet than about the bookmarked part but there ya go. Because the "love" sentiment causes me to think up elaborate fantasies where my commenter is from the UK, and will help teach me new british words and.... oh gasp.... could possibly be the queen! Okay, okay, now I'm running away with delusional thoughts again. The queen has better things to do than read my blog, she's probably off perfecting her wave and learning how best to pair plaids with her crown or something. But still.... yay!
Anyway, now I digress. But the bookmarking has me thrilled because I've never been bookmarked before and I'd like to think of bookmarking as the ultimate in blogginess. It's a relationship of sorts, and I'm going to do my best to deliver. However, if you do break up with me (ie: unbookmark me), please tell me so that I can go eat an entire box of cookies in despair and cry about what I did wrong. Until of course, I ultimately realize that this is the internet and I'm not a pathetic bumhole (at least not about this) and bounce back better than ever. In the meantime, welcome! Here's a welcome gift:
You play your cards right and maybe you'll even get the matching one! Yes, I'm not above throwing out gimmicky gifts in order to keep my readers--it's better that you know this about me now. I have no shame.
Now onto the meat of things: I recently got an iphone. UH OH! Cue the sound of impending yuppie-itude. I imagine it sounds something like this: meowscratchuhdudblechpumpboo...
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Coo-coo-ca-choo? I am the walrus.
It appears that I had another anonymous visiter last night. He/she left me with this delightful gift:
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
First off: hello there! You're looking lovely. Second off, my older articles are not as good as my newer ones? Well, I dunno about that one. My genius is timeless really. I will admit however, that the more recent old posts are Nos-Chin posts, and unless you know who Nos-Chin is, the wit is lost on you. I do think it took a lot of creativity and originality to invent Nos-Chin, but I can concede that perhaps my newer posts may be more universally appreciated and understood. I'm like a fine wine that way, I get better with age.
However, this leads me to my next point. I tend to write only when I find something worth snarking about. But considering that I live in this little Canadian bubble, and I really am only one woman (despite the fact that I have the ego of an entire harem), there are limits to my abilities to find blog content. But there are no limits to my snark. It's like I'm all dressed up in snark with no place to go. So I welcome suggestions and recommendations. If you have something you'd like me to touch upon, or want some wonderfully sarcastic advice, I urge you to e-mail me:
missnihilist@gmail.com
E-mails to tell me to "GET BENT!" are also appreciated because as we've seen, Miss Nihilist is never hotter than when she's insulting people. However, sentiments such as "sad", "pathetic", "evil", and "jealous" have already been covered. Buy a thesuraus if you need better insults. For example, anybody out there find me abhorrent?! Anyone? Give me some real meat to chew on.
I'm also trying something new on this blog. It's called "The JUMP!". No, it's some viral STD, it's some fancy shmancy technology that's existed since... I dunno... maybe 2007. Ah, fuck off, it's new to me. But it means, you now have to click through in order to continue reading. That way, my blog posts don't seem to be the length of the dictionary. So follow the jump (that means click on the link below, you fruitcake) to read more:
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
First off: hello there! You're looking lovely. Second off, my older articles are not as good as my newer ones? Well, I dunno about that one. My genius is timeless really. I will admit however, that the more recent old posts are Nos-Chin posts, and unless you know who Nos-Chin is, the wit is lost on you. I do think it took a lot of creativity and originality to invent Nos-Chin, but I can concede that perhaps my newer posts may be more universally appreciated and understood. I'm like a fine wine that way, I get better with age.
However, this leads me to my next point. I tend to write only when I find something worth snarking about. But considering that I live in this little Canadian bubble, and I really am only one woman (despite the fact that I have the ego of an entire harem), there are limits to my abilities to find blog content. But there are no limits to my snark. It's like I'm all dressed up in snark with no place to go. So I welcome suggestions and recommendations. If you have something you'd like me to touch upon, or want some wonderfully sarcastic advice, I urge you to e-mail me:
missnihilist@gmail.com
E-mails to tell me to "GET BENT!" are also appreciated because as we've seen, Miss Nihilist is never hotter than when she's insulting people. However, sentiments such as "sad", "pathetic", "evil", and "jealous" have already been covered. Buy a thesuraus if you need better insults. For example, anybody out there find me abhorrent?! Anyone? Give me some real meat to chew on.
I'm also trying something new on this blog. It's called "The JUMP!". No, it's some viral STD, it's some fancy shmancy technology that's existed since... I dunno... maybe 2007. Ah, fuck off, it's new to me. But it means, you now have to click through in order to continue reading. That way, my blog posts don't seem to be the length of the dictionary. So follow the jump (that means click on the link below, you fruitcake) to read more:
Monday, January 04, 2010
HAPPY NEW YEAR SUCKAS.
Well, well, well! I've had a lot of traffic come through my blog over the last week. And yes, considering that I am lucky to have maybe 2 people read my words on a regular basis, 4 anonymous commenters count as "a lot of traffic". What can I say? I'm easily satisfied. And easily amused. You should see me with a sheet of bubble wrap--hours of joy and fun!
HELLO commentators! I've already responded to the nay-sayers out there, but to the other two commentators who seem to appreciate my genius: top of the morning to ya! However, all commentators are welcome, assfaces or not.
Now, I'm thinking that the flux of commentators is directly related to my slagging of Leah Miller. Now look at that! Leah Miller is good for something. It certainly isn't hosting things on TV or serving any need whatsoever in society, but she does bring haters and lovers alike together on the internet. YAY!
What I'd like to know is: are you just popping by for a visit? Or do you plan on swinging by on a semi-regular basis? My husband is obligated to love me regardless of the verbal diarrea that comes out, but you visiters? OH THE PRESSURE! I can't stand it! FOUR visiters?! My head is getting so big, I can't fit it through the door anymore. Oh dear.
Ah well, I shall just have to get used to this sudden popularity. Or used to the equally as sudden lack of popularity. Public love, you're so fleeting.
Okay, okay, time to get back on track. It's New Years Eve today. WTF? It was just Christmas yesterday. And before that?! St. Paddy's day. Where does the time go? Down the drain, down the drain. Regardless, tomorrow I will wake up and it'll be the first day of 2010. And as much as I'd like to stop time because frankly, I like being the age I am currently, I haven't been able to invent the time-stoppage machine that I've been working on. But I persist, and it'll happen, and on that day, I'll be young forever. *insert evil and/or manical laughter here*.
I'll be serious for a moment here. 2009 sucked. It was the year of suckage. It was the the suckage year to end all suckage years. So I have high hopes for you 2010! Don't let me down. But in order for 2010 to be a truly stellar year, the following things need to happen:
1) Leah Miller needs to be taken off tv. DUH. I'm looking at you CTV! Cease and desist with the killing of my eyes. I've only got two and I'm fairly fond of them. And since I've already prayed for ghost horses, I'm wishing for evil leprechauns to lucky charm her to oblivion.
2) Find some sort of loop hole so that David Tennant can resume his duties as the Doctor. He's delicious. And while we're at that, bring Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, and Owen Harper back to Torchwood. Please and thank you!
3) James McAvoy. Lee Pace. David Tennant. Alexander Skaarsgard. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. John Barrowman. Matt Bomer. Taylor Kitsch. Find some way for me to engage in very naughty, naughty activies with the aforementioned men. (this is written in invisible internet ink--hear that husband of mine? INVISIBLE INK. Which means that you didn't see anything....)
4) Veronica Mars to come back on air. Oh, and BSG of course.
5) Teenagers and adults STOP reading Twilight immediately and start reading/loving a far superior book that doesn't turn them into mindless, obedient idiots who seem to only have a 34% comprehension rate of the english language. And that 34% is me being generous. While I'm thrilled that kids are reading, my perfect 2010 is filled with kids reading something else. My suggestion is the Hunger Games, but really, anything is better.
6) Michael Bay STOPS making Transformers movies. The first one came, it was mildly amusing for 3 seconds, now let's stop it please. No more. Oh, and people stop casting Megan Fox.
7) I get a 567% raise and a job that is 340394095% better than my current one. Hell, I'll even settle for a 105%.
8) I get a working visa to live/work in the UK. Trousers, bollocks, coppers, BBC, blimey, banger, bugger, and solicitor--here I come! However, in 2010 when I live in the UK, I learn much, much, much better words than those ones. It's clear that my knowledge of UK vocab is juvenile at best. It'll probably take me 6 months to learn water closet. I'm a slow learner. A quarter of a lifetime and I just learned how to count. i'm daft that way.
9) An end to war, poverty, pestilence, AIDS, cancer, etc.... WHAT? I'm not completely self-centred. I have a tiny, tiny bone--probably somewhere in my big toe--that does think about the world occasionally. Sometimes. Now and then. Maybe.
10) The USA gets its head screwed on straight and votes FOR gay marriage. I won't diminish this with snark because it's something that needs to happen. RIGHT NOW.
And that's it. That's my wishlist for 2010! Now powers that be, make it happen! I'll just be sitting here expecting and waiting.
What are you hoping will happen in 2010?
HELLO commentators! I've already responded to the nay-sayers out there, but to the other two commentators who seem to appreciate my genius: top of the morning to ya! However, all commentators are welcome, assfaces or not.
Now, I'm thinking that the flux of commentators is directly related to my slagging of Leah Miller. Now look at that! Leah Miller is good for something. It certainly isn't hosting things on TV or serving any need whatsoever in society, but she does bring haters and lovers alike together on the internet. YAY!
What I'd like to know is: are you just popping by for a visit? Or do you plan on swinging by on a semi-regular basis? My husband is obligated to love me regardless of the verbal diarrea that comes out, but you visiters? OH THE PRESSURE! I can't stand it! FOUR visiters?! My head is getting so big, I can't fit it through the door anymore. Oh dear.
Ah well, I shall just have to get used to this sudden popularity. Or used to the equally as sudden lack of popularity. Public love, you're so fleeting.
Okay, okay, time to get back on track. It's New Years Eve today. WTF? It was just Christmas yesterday. And before that?! St. Paddy's day. Where does the time go? Down the drain, down the drain. Regardless, tomorrow I will wake up and it'll be the first day of 2010. And as much as I'd like to stop time because frankly, I like being the age I am currently, I haven't been able to invent the time-stoppage machine that I've been working on. But I persist, and it'll happen, and on that day, I'll be young forever. *insert evil and/or manical laughter here*.
I'll be serious for a moment here. 2009 sucked. It was the year of suckage. It was the the suckage year to end all suckage years. So I have high hopes for you 2010! Don't let me down. But in order for 2010 to be a truly stellar year, the following things need to happen:
1) Leah Miller needs to be taken off tv. DUH. I'm looking at you CTV! Cease and desist with the killing of my eyes. I've only got two and I'm fairly fond of them. And since I've already prayed for ghost horses, I'm wishing for evil leprechauns to lucky charm her to oblivion.
2) Find some sort of loop hole so that David Tennant can resume his duties as the Doctor. He's delicious. And while we're at that, bring Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, and Owen Harper back to Torchwood. Please and thank you!
3) James McAvoy. Lee Pace. David Tennant. Alexander Skaarsgard. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. John Barrowman. Matt Bomer. Taylor Kitsch. Find some way for me to engage in very naughty, naughty activies with the aforementioned men. (this is written in invisible internet ink--hear that husband of mine? INVISIBLE INK. Which means that you didn't see anything....)
4) Veronica Mars to come back on air. Oh, and BSG of course.
5) Teenagers and adults STOP reading Twilight immediately and start reading/loving a far superior book that doesn't turn them into mindless, obedient idiots who seem to only have a 34% comprehension rate of the english language. And that 34% is me being generous. While I'm thrilled that kids are reading, my perfect 2010 is filled with kids reading something else. My suggestion is the Hunger Games, but really, anything is better.
6) Michael Bay STOPS making Transformers movies. The first one came, it was mildly amusing for 3 seconds, now let's stop it please. No more. Oh, and people stop casting Megan Fox.
7) I get a 567% raise and a job that is 340394095% better than my current one. Hell, I'll even settle for a 105%.
8) I get a working visa to live/work in the UK. Trousers, bollocks, coppers, BBC, blimey, banger, bugger, and solicitor--here I come! However, in 2010 when I live in the UK, I learn much, much, much better words than those ones. It's clear that my knowledge of UK vocab is juvenile at best. It'll probably take me 6 months to learn water closet. I'm a slow learner. A quarter of a lifetime and I just learned how to count. i'm daft that way.
9) An end to war, poverty, pestilence, AIDS, cancer, etc.... WHAT? I'm not completely self-centred. I have a tiny, tiny bone--probably somewhere in my big toe--that does think about the world occasionally. Sometimes. Now and then. Maybe.
10) The USA gets its head screwed on straight and votes FOR gay marriage. I won't diminish this with snark because it's something that needs to happen. RIGHT NOW.
And that's it. That's my wishlist for 2010! Now powers that be, make it happen! I'll just be sitting here expecting and waiting.
What are you hoping will happen in 2010?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Hello commenters!
I've had this blog since December 2007. It's been an off/on relationship--me and this blog--but we've managed to cover a lot of ground in just over 3 years. 3 years may not sound like a lot of time, but trust me: it's a lot of time to find things to snark about.
So imagine my surprise when I log on today and find not just one, but TWO anonymous people left comments on my blog post about Leah Miller! Woah! Who knew that Leah Miller could command such loyalty from people? Where were all the Brangelina fans rallying against my venom a year ago? Could it be true? Could Leah Miller fans really be MORE fanatical than Brangelina fans?! Wow, colour me surprised!
I admit, I read the comments and felt a tiny, tiny, tiny twinge of guilt from my conscience.
HA! Fooled ya! I don't have a fucking conscience.
However, the two comments did no less than leave me mighty, mighty amused. What a post-Christmas laugh! Thank you Santa! You shouldn't have! I loved it. For those of you who are too fat and lazy from Christmas turkey to press the comment button, let me copy and paste one of the comments below:
you're a sad sad pathetic soul. to hope that someone gets trampled on & dies-someone you've never even met.you are just a jealous evil person. you should look at yourself in the mirror.funny you dont have a picture up of yourself.you're probably uglier. merry christmas
This comment is fun. I AM a jealous evil person! HA! Tell me something I DON'T know. I don't wake up every morning and point out that the sky is blue and the sun will set in west so why waste your breath pointing out the obvious. Yes, I can be sad and pathetic. You've never seen me after I spend a day with my mother! Whew, I am a blubbering pathetic mess. I do look in the mirror but thanks for the advice! The doctor says that I should stop because it's borderline narcissism now. It's a shame, I know.
However, this the part of the comment that is especially fun.... "you're probably uglier"!!
What am I uglier than? Oh, see there? I too am guilty of pointing out the obvious. Since the blog post in question refers to Leah Miller, clearly the uglier refers to Leah Miller. Because you can't have an uglier without an ugly to begin with. Dude. Seriously? If you're going to comment on a blog post, in DEFENSE of someone, you'd think that the first thing you would do is NOT call that person ugly. Defeats the whole purpose.
And as for this part: "someone you've never even met". Well, that's fair, I'll give you that. But I've also never met Jon & Kate Gosselin, the parents of Balloon Boy, Robert Mugabe, or George Bush for that matter, but I'm faaaaaiiirrrly certain that I wouldn't like them either. We just wouldn't get along. Something about our zodiac signs not mixing or something.
Now, let's discuss this part: "to hope that someone gets trampled on & dies". WOAH NELLY! Let me introduce you to this amazingly, wonderful concept--it's really the foundation of this blog--called SARCASM. I realize it's a hard concept to grasp when you're still trying to learn your alphabet, but c'mon now, let's at least try.
I believe the original line was something about praying for ghost horses to run Leah Miller down and trample her. GHOST HORSES. Because yes, I believe in ghost horses. And yes, I seriously and literally spent my time praying for the magical ghosts of horses to run her down. And after I was done with that, I waited for the tooth fairy, santa claus, and the easter bunny to attend my Sunday tea party. It was jolly fun.
Here's the thing: the internet is this marvelous technology that allows any dumbass to start a blog or update their status and really say the most stupid opinions ever. You want conspiracy theorists? You got it, search google. You want scathing posts where I insult people? Look no further. And before you leave a comment saying "oh, you said any dumbass can start a blog so you're a dumbass!" (actually, given the literacy of people who feel compelled to comment on a perfect stranger's blog, it would probably read closer to: "oh, you said any dumbass could start a blog so your stupid and ugly and sad and pathetic. and you smell bad"), EVERYONE is a dumbass. I'm a dumbass. I know it. I admit it. I have stupid opinions and I am way too bitter for my own good. That's who I've always been.
Complete transparency.
I also know that my regular readership consists of my husband, and occasionally my best friend. I write this blog so that I can pass the time at work. So, on a good day, I have two people read the complete and utter ramblings of me. It's certainly not cause for alarm. Don't alert CNN or CBC because some random girl has a stupid opinion. Don't freak out because everyone has a stupid opinion about something. It's certainly not worth logging onto some random blog and spewing venom and hate simply because someone posted an opinion or sentiments that you didn't like. I believe you have a stupid opinion because you clearly like Leah Miller, but I'm not going to write you a stern letter or take out a billboard stating such, now am i? At least not now, I just had breakfast. Maybe after I've digested somewhat.
I don't like Leah Miller. I never have, and I never will. In fact, the previous blog post about hating her guts won't be even close to the last. But consider this: my blog isn't advertised anywhere. I don't talk about it to anyone, I don't show it to anyone. In fact, I write as an alter ego pseudonym when I post. So that means, in order to get to my blog, you must have done a search for... I'm guessing the words "Leah Miller" in either google or blogspot or whatever. Which means this: YOU took the time to search for my blog, then YOU took the time to read my ramblings, but it's MY fault that you didn't like what YOU read? Huh? If you get into a car accident and hit a pedestrian, is it the pedestrian's fault? Because I'm sensing you tend to blame others for your mistakes and the things you don't like. You should see someone about that major personality fault.
Which leads me to the second comment:
hi, this is dallas green. seriously. stop listening to my music. i do not make it for people like you. you are nothing but an amateur commentator who spends her life hiding behind the glow of a computer screen. p.s. i happen to enjoy waking up next to my wife.
Oh Dallas Green. THE Dallas Green? Is this really you? WOW, this is the happiest day of my life! Pssst! Since you've proven so inept with identifying sarcasm, I'll do the heavy thinking for you: I'M BEING SARCASTIC. Which means that I don't ACTUALLY believe it's Dallas Green. Now that's the last time I help you out here: I'm going to take the training wheels off the sarcasm bike. C'mon now, you can do it....
Because yes, Dallas Green has nothing better to do than search random blogs for people who hate Leah Miller. I hate to break it to you, but that includes 93.7% of the human population. And what's more pathetic? A person who writes a stupid blog in order to pass the time? A blog that only her husband reads? Or someone who pretends to be a celebrity? Or furthermore, someone who actively seeks out content regarding Leah Miller in hopes that he/she can be Leah Miller's personal defender? You hoping for a thank-you kiss from those plastic lips? You'd be better off kissing a mannequin.
I especially like this part: "you are nothing but an amateur commentator who spends her life hiding behind the glow of a computer screen." First off, slow down there mister! Amateur commentator!? I write for a blog. I don't leave comments. I do believe the title "Amateur Commentator" belongs solely to you. Don't shy away from it, accept it with pride. Second off, I HIDE behind the glow of a computer screen? Let me check something here... what were the names of the two people who left comments... oh, let me see here.... oh yes...
ANONYMOUS + ANONYMOUS
Oh, and that's someone who doesn't hide behind a computer screen. I'm absolutely certain that your actual name is anonymous and you're so proud that everyone knows your opinion anonymous! Pot? Kettle? BLACK. And in case I took the training wheels off just a little too soon because I know how slow you commenters can be.... that again was sarcasm.
Oh, that's right. You did leave a name: YOU'RE DALLAS GREEN. You may enjoy waking up to your wife, that's true--I also enjoy having bacon and eating my weight in sushi--but just because you enjoy something doesn't mean it's healthy for you. And I will mourn you deeply when the day comes that you die from fright because you realize that you've been sleeping next to the dreaded monster known as Botox-acula for years.
If I channel the thought processes of my second commenter, Mr. Dallas Green, then I think I'll be the Queen today. Tomorrow I'll be Tom Jones, and the day after that, maybe Kanye West. I'll search out random blogs and leave comments that say: "Hi, this is Taylor Swift. I don't like what you said about so and so and I think it's sad that you are an amateur commenter who hides behind a computer screen!".
Oooohh, I think I've found my blog content for 2010! goodie!
*note to self: find out what it takes to become an EXPERT commentator..... because evidently, certain people out there think that commenting is an olympic sport of some kind. Amateur to expert!
So imagine my surprise when I log on today and find not just one, but TWO anonymous people left comments on my blog post about Leah Miller! Woah! Who knew that Leah Miller could command such loyalty from people? Where were all the Brangelina fans rallying against my venom a year ago? Could it be true? Could Leah Miller fans really be MORE fanatical than Brangelina fans?! Wow, colour me surprised!
I admit, I read the comments and felt a tiny, tiny, tiny twinge of guilt from my conscience.
HA! Fooled ya! I don't have a fucking conscience.
However, the two comments did no less than leave me mighty, mighty amused. What a post-Christmas laugh! Thank you Santa! You shouldn't have! I loved it. For those of you who are too fat and lazy from Christmas turkey to press the comment button, let me copy and paste one of the comments below:
you're a sad sad pathetic soul. to hope that someone gets trampled on & dies-someone you've never even met.you are just a jealous evil person. you should look at yourself in the mirror.funny you dont have a picture up of yourself.you're probably uglier. merry christmas
This comment is fun. I AM a jealous evil person! HA! Tell me something I DON'T know. I don't wake up every morning and point out that the sky is blue and the sun will set in west so why waste your breath pointing out the obvious. Yes, I can be sad and pathetic. You've never seen me after I spend a day with my mother! Whew, I am a blubbering pathetic mess. I do look in the mirror but thanks for the advice! The doctor says that I should stop because it's borderline narcissism now. It's a shame, I know.
However, this the part of the comment that is especially fun.... "you're probably uglier"!!
What am I uglier than? Oh, see there? I too am guilty of pointing out the obvious. Since the blog post in question refers to Leah Miller, clearly the uglier refers to Leah Miller. Because you can't have an uglier without an ugly to begin with. Dude. Seriously? If you're going to comment on a blog post, in DEFENSE of someone, you'd think that the first thing you would do is NOT call that person ugly. Defeats the whole purpose.
And as for this part: "someone you've never even met". Well, that's fair, I'll give you that. But I've also never met Jon & Kate Gosselin, the parents of Balloon Boy, Robert Mugabe, or George Bush for that matter, but I'm faaaaaiiirrrly certain that I wouldn't like them either. We just wouldn't get along. Something about our zodiac signs not mixing or something.
Now, let's discuss this part: "to hope that someone gets trampled on & dies". WOAH NELLY! Let me introduce you to this amazingly, wonderful concept--it's really the foundation of this blog--called SARCASM. I realize it's a hard concept to grasp when you're still trying to learn your alphabet, but c'mon now, let's at least try.
I believe the original line was something about praying for ghost horses to run Leah Miller down and trample her. GHOST HORSES. Because yes, I believe in ghost horses. And yes, I seriously and literally spent my time praying for the magical ghosts of horses to run her down. And after I was done with that, I waited for the tooth fairy, santa claus, and the easter bunny to attend my Sunday tea party. It was jolly fun.
Here's the thing: the internet is this marvelous technology that allows any dumbass to start a blog or update their status and really say the most stupid opinions ever. You want conspiracy theorists? You got it, search google. You want scathing posts where I insult people? Look no further. And before you leave a comment saying "oh, you said any dumbass can start a blog so you're a dumbass!" (actually, given the literacy of people who feel compelled to comment on a perfect stranger's blog, it would probably read closer to: "oh, you said any dumbass could start a blog so your stupid and ugly and sad and pathetic. and you smell bad"), EVERYONE is a dumbass. I'm a dumbass. I know it. I admit it. I have stupid opinions and I am way too bitter for my own good. That's who I've always been.
Complete transparency.
I also know that my regular readership consists of my husband, and occasionally my best friend. I write this blog so that I can pass the time at work. So, on a good day, I have two people read the complete and utter ramblings of me. It's certainly not cause for alarm. Don't alert CNN or CBC because some random girl has a stupid opinion. Don't freak out because everyone has a stupid opinion about something. It's certainly not worth logging onto some random blog and spewing venom and hate simply because someone posted an opinion or sentiments that you didn't like. I believe you have a stupid opinion because you clearly like Leah Miller, but I'm not going to write you a stern letter or take out a billboard stating such, now am i? At least not now, I just had breakfast. Maybe after I've digested somewhat.
I don't like Leah Miller. I never have, and I never will. In fact, the previous blog post about hating her guts won't be even close to the last. But consider this: my blog isn't advertised anywhere. I don't talk about it to anyone, I don't show it to anyone. In fact, I write as an alter ego pseudonym when I post. So that means, in order to get to my blog, you must have done a search for... I'm guessing the words "Leah Miller" in either google or blogspot or whatever. Which means this: YOU took the time to search for my blog, then YOU took the time to read my ramblings, but it's MY fault that you didn't like what YOU read? Huh? If you get into a car accident and hit a pedestrian, is it the pedestrian's fault? Because I'm sensing you tend to blame others for your mistakes and the things you don't like. You should see someone about that major personality fault.
Which leads me to the second comment:
hi, this is dallas green. seriously. stop listening to my music. i do not make it for people like you. you are nothing but an amateur commentator who spends her life hiding behind the glow of a computer screen. p.s. i happen to enjoy waking up next to my wife.
Oh Dallas Green. THE Dallas Green? Is this really you? WOW, this is the happiest day of my life! Pssst! Since you've proven so inept with identifying sarcasm, I'll do the heavy thinking for you: I'M BEING SARCASTIC. Which means that I don't ACTUALLY believe it's Dallas Green. Now that's the last time I help you out here: I'm going to take the training wheels off the sarcasm bike. C'mon now, you can do it....
Because yes, Dallas Green has nothing better to do than search random blogs for people who hate Leah Miller. I hate to break it to you, but that includes 93.7% of the human population. And what's more pathetic? A person who writes a stupid blog in order to pass the time? A blog that only her husband reads? Or someone who pretends to be a celebrity? Or furthermore, someone who actively seeks out content regarding Leah Miller in hopes that he/she can be Leah Miller's personal defender? You hoping for a thank-you kiss from those plastic lips? You'd be better off kissing a mannequin.
I especially like this part: "you are nothing but an amateur commentator who spends her life hiding behind the glow of a computer screen." First off, slow down there mister! Amateur commentator!? I write for a blog. I don't leave comments. I do believe the title "Amateur Commentator" belongs solely to you. Don't shy away from it, accept it with pride. Second off, I HIDE behind the glow of a computer screen? Let me check something here... what were the names of the two people who left comments... oh, let me see here.... oh yes...
ANONYMOUS + ANONYMOUS
Oh, and that's someone who doesn't hide behind a computer screen. I'm absolutely certain that your actual name is anonymous and you're so proud that everyone knows your opinion anonymous! Pot? Kettle? BLACK. And in case I took the training wheels off just a little too soon because I know how slow you commenters can be.... that again was sarcasm.
Oh, that's right. You did leave a name: YOU'RE DALLAS GREEN. You may enjoy waking up to your wife, that's true--I also enjoy having bacon and eating my weight in sushi--but just because you enjoy something doesn't mean it's healthy for you. And I will mourn you deeply when the day comes that you die from fright because you realize that you've been sleeping next to the dreaded monster known as Botox-acula for years.
If I channel the thought processes of my second commenter, Mr. Dallas Green, then I think I'll be the Queen today. Tomorrow I'll be Tom Jones, and the day after that, maybe Kanye West. I'll search out random blogs and leave comments that say: "Hi, this is Taylor Swift. I don't like what you said about so and so and I think it's sad that you are an amateur commenter who hides behind a computer screen!".
Oooohh, I think I've found my blog content for 2010! goodie!
*note to self: find out what it takes to become an EXPERT commentator..... because evidently, certain people out there think that commenting is an olympic sport of some kind. Amateur to expert!
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