RIP!

*whispers*

Pssst! It's Nos-Chin. SHHHH! Keep it down! I don't want them to hear me!

So I thought I was in for an fairly uneventful weekend but then I overheard something and now.... I'm TERRIFIED!

First I thought I was imagining it. But then I heard it again! And again! I distinctly heard one of the bozos say:

"So did you kill Nos-Chin yet?"

And then the other bozo replied: "Not yet. But I'm working on it!" BACKSTABBING BITCH!

*GASP*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're going to kill me?!!! But I've been so good! I keep quiet while they are yapping away, drunk with their own self-importance! I no longer call them "morons" under my breath! I brush my teeth! I try to keep my clothes clean! I wash my undies every night! What else do they want from me?!

Then Bozo 1 kept asking Bozo 2 if she had "taken out Nos-Chin yet!". Woah dude, I'm like RIGHT HERE! Do you think I'm deaf!?

I don't what to do! Where can I go?! I can't run very far. In fact, I can't run at all! I'm severely limited to pogo-ing everywhere! What is a string doll supposed to do?!!!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

Shit, gotta go.... she's coming.....!!

But in case I go to the pie in the sky soon, I leave all my earthly possessions to Taylor Hanson. I hear he has like 4 kids now. I'm sure one of those munchkins can wear my hat as a toe-warmer or something.

Ah world, you've been good to me.

Oh and do me a favour?
Go on Oprah and tell the world I loved kittens.

Nos-Chin and the House of Love

So I'm starting to think that Chinese vampires aren't meant for love. Nos-Chin is no Flavor-Flav or Tila Tequila. I don't get a shot at love.

I've know I've been away for a very long time. First I got stuck in a car coffin for months. I had an existential breakdown. I won't go into the details of that, but I assure you: it wasn't pretty. Then I got let out, felt the air on my face for the first time in months and went a bit crazy.

I admit, I went on a bender. A HUGE bender. I indulged a bit, some human flesh was consumed, copious amounts of vodka were drunk. DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY! Let's see how you behave when you're finally let out after going stir-crazy! I'm sure you'll eat flesh and drink just like me! Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones! An asian vampire has got to do what he's got to do.

But then I met her.

Sigh.

Veronica.

I was in a poker game and won a ticket for a passenger liner sailing for America. I was sleeping in the poor lower bunks and Veronica was on one of the upper class levels of the ship. She was engaged to a big business man and was feeling pressured by her impending marriage. She tried to commit suicide and I saved her. We fell in love. We stood at the front of the boat and I shouted "I'm king of the world!!". I sketched her naked body, something happened with a necklace, the boat sank.... ????

Wait a minute.... no.... that was the Titanic!

Sorry, all that bingeing made me lose a few of my memory cells.... where was I?

Oh yeah, Veronica.

I met her at a party that my best friend was putting on. I was full of pride and some other things. Prejudice maybe. But she heard me say some things and she hated me on sight. We spent a long time butting heads. I asked her to marry me, she said no. I broke her sister and my best mate up. But then I saved her little sister's marriage and showed her I could be humble. Then we got married and moved to my big palace.

No, that's not it either. WTF?

I was a showgirl. With yellow feathers in my hair.... no.

I was a journalist who got bit by a radioactive spider..... no.

I was a bad boy whose girlfriend was killed by my father (who was also sleeping with my girlfriend)...... no.

Well fuck! Just how much brain cells did I kill while I was on my bender? My head is the size of a large nut - I don't have a lot of brain cells to begin with!

Oh I got it!

Veronica! We bumped into each other buying bananas at the grocery store. There was one banana left. I grabbed for it. She grabbed for it. and our hands touched. It was love at first sight.

Seriously. This REALLY happened now. This is reality.

And I've been happy! Really happy. We sleep in, we make pancakes and coffee, we take long walks, the whole nine yards. I've turned into a picture of domestic bliss! I know: vomit-inducing, isn't it?

But I should have known it was too good to be true.

After a few months of being together, Veronica sat me down and said she had a secret to tell me. She told me that she had a boyfriend! I was the other man!!!! Err... other Vampire! After a few days of being stunned, I decided that I was going to fight for the woman I love. I wasn't giving up! I was going to kick his ass whoever he was and win my girl back! So I arranged to meet him outside the same grocery store I met Veronica.

I went up.... took one look at him.... then ran away.

Am I a coward? Yes.

Am I a chickenshit? Yes.

Did I pee my pants a bit while fleeing? A little bit. Okay, Okay! A lot. Maybe a teeny tiny bit more than pee.

But before you judge, you take a look at her boyfriend!!!!!



He's a motherfucking monster! That's his little brother down there. And you know what? His little brother is the same size as ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I saved my own skin. I'm not Rocky. I'm no Bruce Lee. I'm Nos-Chin and I love the shape of my face the way it is. But I miss Veronica. And I'm out of tissues.

Save me.