I'll take that top in puke green please.

I know, I know, it's been a while. Evidently I'm actually expected to work during workhours. It's a travesty and I fully intend on contesting it at my next evaluation. Somehow I suspect it's going to be my last evaluation, but nevertheless, let no one say that I don't stand up for what I believe in--regardless of how cracked and wrong it might be!

However, I take a break from the necessary requirements of my job to bring you this:

Cornell's Pi Phi Sorority dress code manual!

Here's a sneak peek:


Ooooh, this is like throwing a struggling alcoholic into a vat of vodka: no matter how reasonable and kind I try to be, inevitably, I am going to succumb to my vices and unleash some major snarkitude here.



First thoughts: WOW. Being in a sorority is like being in a little clothing cult. Thou shall not wear khakis after labour day. Thou shall not wear bright red lipsticks with white socks. Thou shall adhere to the rules of the dresscode lest you not be admitted through the heavenly gates of "sisterhood".

What I like most about the dress code is that it appears to be the personal preferences of a single person. Which is BRILLIANT if you think about it. Why don't I start a "sorority" and instruct people how to dress? I would be responsible for eliminating clothing horrors such as leggings as pants, camel-toe, and those hideous heel booties that women insist on tottering around in. Cities would cast bronze statues of me, all depicting me in a fierce struggle against the horrors of fashion and all its injustices. Oh... I like this.

However, I am confused about the instructions NOT to wear low-cut, and too tight shirts. This is a sorority right? Telling sorority girls NOT to wear low-cut and tight shirts is like asking Julia Childs to cook without butter. Last time I checked, sorority girls don't go around dressing like they're amish. Do they? Granted, my experience with sororities is limited to what I've seen on Greek, but I like to believe that TV is a reflection of real-life. Really! I truly believe in vampire slayers, hospitals where all the doctors sleep with each other, and crime scene investigation teams who possess such high-tech devices and computers that it must have been downloaded from aliens from Jupiter. Seriously!

I will admit that by outlawing muffin tops, camel toe, frumpy tops, and super bell-bottom jeans, this girl--despite being totally drunk with power juice--is doing the world a favour. A BIG FAVOUR.

Here is some more:

Again with the no cleavage rule. Note the rules for not wearing satin dresses, in particular "no one looks good in satin dresses unless...you weight less than 130 pounds". Um.. that likely includes 98% of the sorority. I doubt that they would accept a girl who was heavier than 130 pounds considering if they are this rigid about the shit you grab off the floor every day to wear, imagine how anal they would be about the skin you wear 24/7! "Yes, I realize you said no bleached or light jeans but... those are just my pasty legs. Please don't beat me with the spirit baton."

From the "additional notes on clothing": "I'm weird about shoes". NO SHIT. You take "weird about shoes" into new territory. If you're "weird" about shoes, then in comparison, my rabid obsession with naming inanimate objects is completely normal.

"You don't need to pile on the makeup, but you need to look like someone they'd die to hang out with". Um... how does a girl do that exactly? I must not have been bit by the sorority bug yet because I can't imagine ANY makeup job that would compel me to feel as if I would DIE to hang out with a sorority girl. Perhaps if we were among the last people on earth, and that sorority girl hid a granola bar in her "flowy, pretty material" blouse--then yes, I would die to hang out with her. Then I could lull her into a sense of false security, tackle that skinny bitch to the ground and steal that goddamn granola bar. Otherwise, no.

"Lipstick, as long as it's pretty and young and soft". I imagine that girls have a pretty firm sense of what they believe is pretty. I don't think anyone goes to the store, picks something out and thinks, "WOW, this makes me look like a crack whore...I'll take 6 of them." I've been guilty of buying some tops that weren't super flattering simply because I'm weak--dude, you try passing up a $2.99 top--but generally, I buy what I think looks nice on me. Just because I resemble a geriatric grandma some days, and a reformed drug addict other days does not mean that I BOUGHT the clothes for that reason. In other words, I don't go out of my way to look like a fashion disaster, it just occurs on its own.

"I'm going to be doing dress checks." Uh oh! RUN little sorority girls! RUN as fast as your little skinny chicken legs can take you! RUN away from the scary clothing Nazi!

RUN towards the arms of Miss Nihilist! She'll set you on the straight and narrow path of dressing poorly, looking sloppy, but being a hell of a lot more comfortable than you are now. You'll thank me, I promise.

If you want to see more of the dress code, visit the link below:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/cornells-pi-phi-sorority-dress-code