Thought I was dead, didn't ya?

All right, I know I’ve been gone for a while. Just to clear up some rumours that I know have been floating around cyberspace: no, I didn’t take a trip down to hell to see if Satan had set up my permanent residence correctly; no, I didn’t go to China to find a husband; no, I didn’t get knocked up with an alien baby; and no, I didn’t become the tour manager for Journey. Where does these rumours start? GEEZ.

Where was I?

Err… well…. I was….. you know what? I have a right to privacy! Yeah, that’s right: MISS NIHILIST HAS A RIGHT TO HER PRIVACY. So there - ya dinks! No one needs to know that I had to take 5 months to recover from an unsuccessful surgery to remove my cranky bone! Oh shit… er…. I mean: I was washing my hair. Yeah, yeah, I was washing my hair.

Anyway, I’m here, I’m beer, and I’m ready to deer. Or something like that. And I’d like to start my return off by discussing what I hate about summer. Now, I hate winter too, but I reserve a special place in my heart for summer hate. All that sun, all those mosquitos, all that summer living – yeeuch. Who needs it? But wait kiddies, that’s just the tip of the iceberg of things I hate about summer. See below for the list:

Things I would eradicate from summer if I were god:

1) Skin, skin, skin. Yeah, I get it, it’s hot. It’s make-your-shirt-stick-to-your-skin-and-show-off-all-your-unseemly-sweat-pits hot. It doesn’t give you license to prance around in completely inappropriate outfits that barely qualify as clothes. First off, I can’t believe your parents allowed you to leave the house dressed like that! And secondly, I can’t believe you left your house like that. Of your own volition. Without losing a bet.

2) Sandals. Feet are gross. Wearing shoes that show off your feet are disgusting. And should be sinful. Actually, since I am god in this scenario, it is a sin. It’s right after “thou shall not wear pink.”

3) Sandals continued…. Sandals are gross. Did we cover that yet? Well… wearing sandals that don’t fit you? SHAMEFUL. If your toes, or your heel go off the length of the shoe, it’s not hard to figure out: THEY DON’T FUCKING FIT. DON’T WEAR THEM YOU GODDAMN DUMBASS.

4) Gaucho pants. They resemble parachute pants. MC Hammer was ridiculed for that. You should be too. And on a side note: MC Hammer has his own reality tv show coming out. Signs of the apocalypse…..

5) Capri Pants. Now, to be fair, I don’t actually have anything against Capri pants per say. I admit that I hate its “make-your-calves-look-like-elephants quality”, but theres nothing really wrong with them. I just hate how women can wear Capri pants period. I wear capri pants and they fit like actual pants. And shorts are my capri pants and frankly, living in a world where I have to hem my own capri pants is not a world that I want to live in. So it goes on my hate list. And short shorts and mini skirts. Those are definitely on my hate list.

6) Sunburns. Ouchers. And Farmers Tans. And Sunstroke.

7) Men who walk around and don’t wear shirts. Men who have Buddha bellies who walk around and don’t wear shirts. If you had breasts, you wouldn’t be able to do it and frankly, waving around your non-breast chests at women who are forced to sweat in our tanktops is just crude and rude.

8) Lawnmowing. All this “I have to mow the lawn instead of spending quality time with you” is just bullshit. BULLSHIT!

Well, that’s all I’ve got so far. Apparently the miss nihilist hate is a bit rusty. But don’t worry, it’s just like riding a bike: you never forget how to hate. And brake. Something like that.