A wise man once said to me: "Chinese is as Chinese does"

Happy birthday me. You are 25 years old today. So here is my letter from me to you, complete with wise and sage advice:

You main priority is to avoid becoming a pretentious mid-20’s person. Or slow down (or halt altogether) your already existing pretentiousness, and steep decline into mid 20’s pretentiousness. I am deathly afraid that you will be part of the mid-20’s crowd who shops at Pottery Barn/Finesse-type furniture shops, wears shawls, and likes to bemoan the lack of good red wine. So repeat after me: I will not, at any time in the future, swish old grape juice in my wineglass (to release oxygen thingie-ma-bobbies), smell the grape juice, or do a “pre-test” before professing my approval of said drink. Also, I will never squish my feet into painful mousetrap-like shoes that taper off into a duncecap, get a large leather handbag with a cosmetic bag, and walk around with sunglasses perched on my head. To do so is to secure your entrance into pretentious mid-20’s life. It’s like a cult; once you’ve entered into quarterlife pretentiousness, you never get out. Then it’s cyanide-dosed kool-aid for relief. Better avoid it altogether.

Secondly, simply because you are 25 does not mean that life is now marriage and babies. While many people are about marriage and babies, you are going to be more than that. Life will be more than that. If you ever feel that life is turning into marriage and babies, switch your facebook status to “married”, and steal some kids for a few days. But realize that it is a temporary madness and return stolen kids when the moment passes.

Thirdly, it is a given fact that you are 10 years older than the average crowd age at shows now. Respect that truth and try to age gracefully. Don’t jump into the crowd and try to get down with your bad self. Flailing arms, and kick flips in a crowd of teenagers makes you a cougar who is trying to hang onto her youth. Just sit near the back and try not to make eye contact. And don’t think about the WENUS (Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems) reports at work, or the bad state of the ANUS (Annual Net Usage Statistics). Try to repress the yawns and the knowledge that you are up way past your bedtime. And don’t fret, you can take your daily Metamucil dosage when you get home.

Fourthly, get used to the fact that sayings like “when I was a kid…”, “kids nowadays…”, “I remember the clapper!....”, will all become commonplace in your everyday conversations. Remember Pogs? Sadly, so do i. Remember NKOTB? Or Backstreet Boys? Again, me too. Remember when I used to be cool? No? Yeah, you’re right, that was way back never.

Lastly, keep trying. One day soon, I swear you will be able to memorize the numbers of pi to the 999th million (3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679 – keep trying!) and learn how to spell “Super-cali-fragil-istic-espi-ali-docious” without having to look it up. Keep trying! You’ll eventually reach greatness.