Hello commenters!

I've had this blog since December 2007. It's been an off/on relationship--me and this blog--but we've managed to cover a lot of ground in just over 3 years. 3 years may not sound like a lot of time, but trust me: it's a lot of time to find things to snark about.

So imagine my surprise when I log on today and find not just one, but TWO anonymous people left comments on my blog post about Leah Miller! Woah! Who knew that Leah Miller could command such loyalty from people? Where were all the Brangelina fans rallying against my venom a year ago? Could it be true? Could Leah Miller fans really be MORE fanatical than Brangelina fans?! Wow, colour me surprised!

I admit, I read the comments and felt a tiny, tiny, tiny twinge of guilt from my conscience.

HA! Fooled ya! I don't have a fucking conscience.

However, the two comments did no less than leave me mighty, mighty amused. What a post-Christmas laugh! Thank you Santa! You shouldn't have! I loved it. For those of you who are too fat and lazy from Christmas turkey to press the comment button, let me copy and paste one of the comments below:

you're a sad sad pathetic soul. to hope that someone gets trampled on & dies-someone you've never even met.you are just a jealous evil person. you should look at yourself in the mirror.funny you dont have a picture up of yourself.you're probably uglier. merry christmas

This comment is fun. I AM a jealous evil person! HA! Tell me something I DON'T know. I don't wake up every morning and point out that the sky is blue and the sun will set in west so why waste your breath pointing out the obvious. Yes, I can be sad and pathetic. You've never seen me after I spend a day with my mother! Whew, I am a blubbering pathetic mess. I do look in the mirror but thanks for the advice! The doctor says that I should stop because it's borderline narcissism now. It's a shame, I know.

However, this the part of the comment that is especially fun.... "you're probably uglier"!!

What am I uglier than? Oh, see there? I too am guilty of pointing out the obvious. Since the blog post in question refers to Leah Miller, clearly the uglier refers to Leah Miller. Because you can't have an uglier without an ugly to begin with. Dude. Seriously? If you're going to comment on a blog post, in DEFENSE of someone, you'd think that the first thing you would do is NOT call that person ugly. Defeats the whole purpose.

And as for this part: "someone you've never even met". Well, that's fair, I'll give you that. But I've also never met Jon & Kate Gosselin, the parents of Balloon Boy, Robert Mugabe, or George Bush for that matter, but I'm faaaaaiiirrrly certain that I wouldn't like them either. We just wouldn't get along. Something about our zodiac signs not mixing or something.

Now, let's discuss this part: "to hope that someone gets trampled on & dies". WOAH NELLY! Let me introduce you to this amazingly, wonderful concept--it's really the foundation of this blog--called SARCASM. I realize it's a hard concept to grasp when you're still trying to learn your alphabet, but c'mon now, let's at least try.

I believe the original line was something about praying for ghost horses to run Leah Miller down and trample her. GHOST HORSES. Because yes, I believe in ghost horses. And yes, I seriously and literally spent my time praying for the magical ghosts of horses to run her down. And after I was done with that, I waited for the tooth fairy, santa claus, and the easter bunny to attend my Sunday tea party. It was jolly fun.

Here's the thing: the internet is this marvelous technology that allows any dumbass to start a blog or update their status and really say the most stupid opinions ever. You want conspiracy theorists? You got it, search google. You want scathing posts where I insult people? Look no further. And before you leave a comment saying "oh, you said any dumbass can start a blog so you're a dumbass!" (actually, given the literacy of people who feel compelled to comment on a perfect stranger's blog, it would probably read closer to: "oh, you said any dumbass could start a blog so your stupid and ugly and sad and pathetic. and you smell bad"), EVERYONE is a dumbass. I'm a dumbass. I know it. I admit it. I have stupid opinions and I am way too bitter for my own good. That's who I've always been.

Complete transparency.

I also know that my regular readership consists of my husband, and occasionally my best friend. I write this blog so that I can pass the time at work. So, on a good day, I have two people read the complete and utter ramblings of me. It's certainly not cause for alarm. Don't alert CNN or CBC because some random girl has a stupid opinion. Don't freak out because everyone has a stupid opinion about something. It's certainly not worth logging onto some random blog and spewing venom and hate simply because someone posted an opinion or sentiments that you didn't like. I believe you have a stupid opinion because you clearly like Leah Miller, but I'm not going to write you a stern letter or take out a billboard stating such, now am i? At least not now, I just had breakfast. Maybe after I've digested somewhat.

I don't like Leah Miller. I never have, and I never will. In fact, the previous blog post about hating her guts won't be even close to the last. But consider this: my blog isn't advertised anywhere. I don't talk about it to anyone, I don't show it to anyone. In fact, I write as an alter ego pseudonym when I post. So that means, in order to get to my blog, you must have done a search for... I'm guessing the words "Leah Miller" in either google or blogspot or whatever. Which means this: YOU took the time to search for my blog, then YOU took the time to read my ramblings, but it's MY fault that you didn't like what YOU read? Huh? If you get into a car accident and hit a pedestrian, is it the pedestrian's fault? Because I'm sensing you tend to blame others for your mistakes and the things you don't like. You should see someone about that major personality fault.

Which leads me to the second comment:

hi, this is dallas green. seriously. stop listening to my music. i do not make it for people like you. you are nothing but an amateur commentator who spends her life hiding behind the glow of a computer screen. p.s. i happen to enjoy waking up next to my wife.

Oh Dallas Green. THE Dallas Green? Is this really you? WOW, this is the happiest day of my life! Pssst! Since you've proven so inept with identifying sarcasm, I'll do the heavy thinking for you: I'M BEING SARCASTIC. Which means that I don't ACTUALLY believe it's Dallas Green. Now that's the last time I help you out here: I'm going to take the training wheels off the sarcasm bike. C'mon now, you can do it....

Because yes, Dallas Green has nothing better to do than search random blogs for people who hate Leah Miller. I hate to break it to you, but that includes 93.7% of the human population. And what's more pathetic? A person who writes a stupid blog in order to pass the time? A blog that only her husband reads? Or someone who pretends to be a celebrity? Or furthermore, someone who actively seeks out content regarding Leah Miller in hopes that he/she can be Leah Miller's personal defender? You hoping for a thank-you kiss from those plastic lips? You'd be better off kissing a mannequin.

I especially like this part: "you are nothing but an amateur commentator who spends her life hiding behind the glow of a computer screen." First off, slow down there mister! Amateur commentator!? I write for a blog. I don't leave comments. I do believe the title "Amateur Commentator" belongs solely to you. Don't shy away from it, accept it with pride. Second off, I HIDE behind the glow of a computer screen? Let me check something here... what were the names of the two people who left comments... oh, let me see here.... oh yes...

ANONYMOUS + ANONYMOUS

Oh, and that's someone who doesn't hide behind a computer screen. I'm absolutely certain that your actual name is anonymous and you're so proud that everyone knows your opinion anonymous! Pot? Kettle? BLACK. And in case I took the training wheels off just a little too soon because I know how slow you commenters can be.... that again was sarcasm.

Oh, that's right. You did leave a name: YOU'RE DALLAS GREEN. You may enjoy waking up to your wife, that's true--I also enjoy having bacon and eating my weight in sushi--but just because you enjoy something doesn't mean it's healthy for you. And I will mourn you deeply when the day comes that you die from fright because you realize that you've been sleeping next to the dreaded monster known as Botox-acula for years.

If I channel the thought processes of my second commenter, Mr. Dallas Green, then I think I'll be the Queen today. Tomorrow I'll be Tom Jones, and the day after that, maybe Kanye West. I'll search out random blogs and leave comments that say: "Hi, this is Taylor Swift. I don't like what you said about so and so and I think it's sad that you are an amateur commenter who hides behind a computer screen!". 

Oooohh, I think I've found my blog content for 2010! goodie!

*note to self: find out what it takes to become an EXPERT commentator..... because evidently, certain people out there think that commenting is an olympic sport of some kind. Amateur to expert!