Perplexity Killed the Cat

I came from the bathroom and holy moly…. Kidding, it’s not going to be that type of post today…. anyway, I’m in the bathroom doing my business, and someone comes barreling in. And when I say barreling in, I mean she comes stomping in, whipping doors closed, and plopping her heavy ass down on that seat like she owns that bathroom. She’s about as subtle as rhinos stomping on eggshells. But the minute she comes in, I don’t even need to see who it is, I instinctively know who it is. It’s her. The Clomper.

The Clomper, as you can probably tell, CLOMPS everywhere. She storms down the hallway, her boobs are a-shaking, her shoes are impacting the floor like they want to break through the earth, and her hair has that wind-effect because her clomping is causing a mini-whirlwind that follows her wherever she goes. You hear the Clomper coming from a mile away. The Clomper’s clothes are severely ill-fitting. Her body is really compressed and hobbit-like. Her upper torso certainly needs to be longer for her body to look even remotely normal. And her face, oh god, her face. She has teeth that could chomp walnuts; she looks like she has never had need of a steak knife in her life. She has a horizontally rectangular face shape, so she has these bloated cheeks but a tiny vertical head length. Paired with those teeth, it’s like she’s a mutated, rabid chipmunk.

The Clomper perplexes me. If I looked the way she does, I certainly wouldn’t walk like a T-Rex, shaking the desks of everyone I pass. Remember the water cup scene from Jurassic Park? That’s my life M-F. Why announce to people that you are coming? It’s like a danger alert. Everytime I hear her coming, I want to dive to the side and get out the way. She really, really frightens me. “Jesus fuck, The Clomper is coming!”

Here are some other things that perplex me:
- Adults who feel the need to wear several heavy gold chains at once. I spotted a lady the other day wearing 4 thick gold chains around her neck (one of them even had a 2 inch crystal drop pendant that hung to her navel). Someone has been channeling Mr. T waaayyy too much. Same goes for women who need to wear a ring on every finger. Just preparing yourself for that unfortunate day you fall out of the boat?
- People who have an entire fridge at their disposal but feel they have to push MY lunch to the back because the space my lunch was occupying is the space they want
- People who stand on buses for long periods of time despite the fact there are only 4 people on the bus, and every other seat is unoccupied
- People who don’t wait for other people to get off the elevator/train/bus before pushing their way in. It’s a self-contained space; you can’t fit more into the space without letting something out. It’s simple logic but people are terrified that the elevator/train/bus is going to leave without their fat ass on it. It’s not a ski-lift people. It’s not as if you need to shove yourself off or else do another rotation around.
- Pants. Why are they called a pair of pants? Or a pair of underwear? And if your underwear is dirty, can we call them underwore then?
- Women who clearly spend hours in front of the mirror on their makeup and hair, but still manage to look as if they dumped their head into a carburetor, immediately followed by the toilet. Do you think they patent that rat-coif?
- Food smelling so rancid coming out! It was good going in….
- 3 chicken breasts can defrost overnight, but a smaller package of ground pork is still frozen after being defrosted the same amount of time
- Men who next to each other but don’t check out each others’ packages and techniques. Aren’t you just a wee bit curious?!

By the time I completed this entry, I had TWO run-ins with The Clomper. Holy Bacon Tits, she scares me.