Bitch Please!

As you may have noticed, Miss Nihilist hasn’t written her column lately. Mostly because there has been a notable absence of people needing advice. Miss Nihilist doesn’t respond to just anyone who needs advice , she reserves her skills for those in real need: the truly pathetic, annoying, and stupid dumbasses out there. I provide a very important service to society. If I provide the mockery, they will come. However, for a while there, they didn’t. I was stumped. I was frumpy and stumped.

Then today, I had a lightbulb moment. Today I realized that the truly pathetic have been flocking to an alternate website (gasp, no!). One that provides them with poor advice and no sarcasm. Oh dear god, what is the world coming to? Observe below:

Dear Mrs. Web,
My fiancé has just told me that he is bisexual. He said that he has never told anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried all night. I have many self-esteem problems. He also said that if he were in my shoes, he would end the relationship. However, he is glad that I haven’t. He promises me he will be true. What should I do?

Both of you need to be tested for HIV. He will always be a risk for you. It is easy to assure a nubile girlfriend that one will never stray. However, nubile girlfriends often change into not so nubile middle-aged women. Then the promise not to stray is much more difficult. I find it interesting that he tells you that if he were you, he would end the relationship. That sounds like a warning to me. If you knowingly marry a bisexual man, don’t be shocked if he acts on it.

Mrs. Web is a dumbass. And Miss Nihilist specializes in dumbasses. “Dear Miss Nihilist, I write crappy, fucked up advice columns on the internet and have shit for brains. Signed, Mrs. Web.” Well Mrs. Web, I would suggest that you change your name to Miss Bacon Tits and find a new occupation.

Now if the letter had come to me, this is how I would have responded (and keep in mind that Miss Nihilist’s response is the only right response):

Dear… well, you didn’t provide a name so I will just call you Intolerable Prude in Seattle. Dear Intolerable, I’m sorry about your predicament. I’m sorry that your fiancé is bisexual. I’m sorry that you have self-esteem problems. Normally I wouldn’t point out the obvious (hah!), but I suppose in this case I will have to: having self-esteem problems has nothing to do with your fiancé being bisexual. If you have self-esteem problems, that’s your own issue. It’s independent of your fiancé liking both men and women. Look at yourself and solve your own self problems. Watch Oprah if you need to. Second of all, you should feel honoured you are the first person your fiancé has decided to confide in. Some people live their entire lives not acknowledging any sexual feelings towards any person, place, or thing other than those towards the society-approved direction of the opposite sex.

Thirdly, how come you’ve never had a frank discussion about sexuality before? If you break up with your fiancé, keep that in mind. On a fourth date, just casually mention it. “I’d like the fettucine alfre…hey, do you happen to harbour any kinky sexual desires..do with a side of garlic bread, amen.” Just practice it a few times and it’ll come out natural, I guarantee it. And lastly, why are you looking at this as a bad thing? Your fiancé is bisexual. Relish in that! A whole set of possibilities just opened up for you! Hotdogs, oysters….whatever your heart desires. I, for one, am positively tickled pink for you!

To conclude, I pose this question to Mrs. Web: what dictionary do you reference when you write your columns? Because evidently you are working from a very outdated, intolerant, idiotic source. One that lists the following unrelated conditions as being synonyms of bisexual: cheater, immoral, infected, polygamous, and disease-ridden. Last time I checked, being bisexual meant being attracted to both men and women. Being bisexual does not mean being a cheater, a HIV/STD sufferer, or a “risk”. Nor is bisexuality a reason for dumping someone you’ve already pledged to love and cherish for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Her fiancé doesn’t necessarily have HIV and he might not ever cheat on her. Many men and women are polygamous and diseased, it’s not the territory of the bisexual. Sexual orientation does not define character.

And why do you assume that Intolerable Prude in Seattle is a “nubile” girlfriend? Can you not entertain the fact that Prude there could be an 80 year old grandma with a hairy ass who needs her food pureed every morning because she doesn’t have any teeth? Because 80 year old prude grandmas have fiancés too. Fiances that can turn out to be bisexual.

I also enjoy how you end your response with a little dig at Intolerable Prude. “If you knowingly marry a bisexual man, don’t be shocked if he acts on it.” If she knowingly marries a bisexual man, she should be commended for keeping an open mind and realizing her husband loves her and would never hurt her, regardless of his sexual orientation. But nooo.. you’ve got to be bitchy and say something like, if you marry him and he cheats on you, it’s your fault and I told you so! And I’ve got to say, shame-shame-shame on you. The only advice columnist that gets to pass that type of judgment on her readers is ME. You hear that? ME.

I will annihilate you. I cut your ass wide open.