I’m here! I’m here! I know it’s been a while since my last post, and for that I apologize. Apparently, between actually doing some work, and trying to get the creative juices flowing enough for a story, there isn’t a whole lot of time to complain on my blog. Oh, the complaining is there, it’s just not being written down as blog fuel.
As you all know, I am thisclose to going crazy lately. All bark and snapping make Miss Nihilist GO CRAZY. AND CRAZY. AND CRAZIER. I’m two marbles away from opening cans of whoop-ass on unsuspecting folks, wearing underwear as tanktops, and adopting a lot of cats.
So in honour of my crazy-dom, I thought I would write an entry about pet peeves. Though for the purposes of this entry, I will not refer to them as “pet” peeves. Pet peeves imply little tiny things that upset you. Pets are little cutesy animals and tacking it onto a word like “peeves” diminishes the whole body-shaking, mind-blowing frustration and annoyance level you feel when you interact or witness these so-called “pet peeves”. So from now on, I strike the word Pet Peeves from my vocabulary. PPs are now to be called “fuck-I-hate-you-motherfucker-I-can’t-believe-you-are-such-a-douchebag-and-I-wish-you-and-all-your-offspring-would-die-and-go-straight-to-hell-because-your-behaviour-and-mannerisms-make-me-want-to-poke-holes-in-my-spleen-despite-the-fact-i-don’t-even-know-where-my-spleen-is.” Or, MUTHAFUCKA peeves for short. So here are my Muthafucka peeves:
1) Gum snapping. If you can’t keep your mouth shut, I am going to come over there and shut it for you. Don’t blame me if you lose your teeth and get skinned in the process.
2) Standing in the middle of a hallway/aisle. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. If you are pushing a grocery cart, move it to the side. If you met a friend and want to catch up, move your dumbass to the side, or better yet, a coffee shop. Either way, stop thinking you’re the centre of the world and that people should move around you.
3) People who talk very loudly (on cellphones or not) need to quiet things down. Use your inside voices people! And similarly, people who talk very loudly on cellphones while they wander up and down bookstores, up and down book aisles, need to shut up. A bookstore is a holy place. I don’t go into your holy place and disrespect, so don’t do it to me!
4) Not signaling when driving. Guilty parties, step forward. And this includes people who believe the signal light is only an “indicator” of where you are going and should be turned off prior to actually completing the signaled action. Yes, I’m talking to you. STEP FORWARD. This includes similar driving offenses such as a) not wanting to wait in line like a non-jackass and cutting people off b) running through crosswalks c) not waiting for ambulances d) basically anything a red-necked Albertan would do while driving.
5) Being a hypocrite. Enuff said.
6) Being an intolerant asshole. There are no excuses for being a racist/misogynist/homophobe in the year 2008. NONE whatsoever. You all immediately go on my shit list.
7) Dog owners who feel like they shouldn’t be dog owners. If you don’t want to live up to the responsibilities of being a dog owner, don’t own a dog. It’s simple logistics people.
8) Parents who don’t teach their kids the simple meaning of responsibility and humility. Oh, do you really need that ipod Suzie Q? The brand new car when you turn 16? Well, maybe you could exchange the computer, and the movies, and all the other electronic widgets you have to the little orphan kid in Africa who hasn’t eaten in 7 days.
9) Ignorance. It’s 2008. There is the internet, there are books, there are documentaries and expert sources, there are a million different ways to access information and zero excuses for not doing so.
10) Thongs. I dunno, I just don’t get ‘em.
As you all know, I am thisclose to going crazy lately. All bark and snapping make Miss Nihilist GO CRAZY. AND CRAZY. AND CRAZIER. I’m two marbles away from opening cans of whoop-ass on unsuspecting folks, wearing underwear as tanktops, and adopting a lot of cats.
So in honour of my crazy-dom, I thought I would write an entry about pet peeves. Though for the purposes of this entry, I will not refer to them as “pet” peeves. Pet peeves imply little tiny things that upset you. Pets are little cutesy animals and tacking it onto a word like “peeves” diminishes the whole body-shaking, mind-blowing frustration and annoyance level you feel when you interact or witness these so-called “pet peeves”. So from now on, I strike the word Pet Peeves from my vocabulary. PPs are now to be called “fuck-I-hate-you-motherfucker-I-can’t-believe-you-are-such-a-douchebag-and-I-wish-you-and-all-your-offspring-would-die-and-go-straight-to-hell-because-your-behaviour-and-mannerisms-make-me-want-to-poke-holes-in-my-spleen-despite-the-fact-i-don’t-even-know-where-my-spleen-is.” Or, MUTHAFUCKA peeves for short. So here are my Muthafucka peeves:
1) Gum snapping. If you can’t keep your mouth shut, I am going to come over there and shut it for you. Don’t blame me if you lose your teeth and get skinned in the process.
2) Standing in the middle of a hallway/aisle. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. If you are pushing a grocery cart, move it to the side. If you met a friend and want to catch up, move your dumbass to the side, or better yet, a coffee shop. Either way, stop thinking you’re the centre of the world and that people should move around you.
3) People who talk very loudly (on cellphones or not) need to quiet things down. Use your inside voices people! And similarly, people who talk very loudly on cellphones while they wander up and down bookstores, up and down book aisles, need to shut up. A bookstore is a holy place. I don’t go into your holy place and disrespect, so don’t do it to me!
4) Not signaling when driving. Guilty parties, step forward. And this includes people who believe the signal light is only an “indicator” of where you are going and should be turned off prior to actually completing the signaled action. Yes, I’m talking to you. STEP FORWARD. This includes similar driving offenses such as a) not wanting to wait in line like a non-jackass and cutting people off b) running through crosswalks c) not waiting for ambulances d) basically anything a red-necked Albertan would do while driving.
5) Being a hypocrite. Enuff said.
6) Being an intolerant asshole. There are no excuses for being a racist/misogynist/homophobe in the year 2008. NONE whatsoever. You all immediately go on my shit list.
7) Dog owners who feel like they shouldn’t be dog owners. If you don’t want to live up to the responsibilities of being a dog owner, don’t own a dog. It’s simple logistics people.
8) Parents who don’t teach their kids the simple meaning of responsibility and humility. Oh, do you really need that ipod Suzie Q? The brand new car when you turn 16? Well, maybe you could exchange the computer, and the movies, and all the other electronic widgets you have to the little orphan kid in Africa who hasn’t eaten in 7 days.
9) Ignorance. It’s 2008. There is the internet, there are books, there are documentaries and expert sources, there are a million different ways to access information and zero excuses for not doing so.
10) Thongs. I dunno, I just don’t get ‘em.
1 comment:
"fuck-I-hate-you-motherfucker-I-can’t-believe-you-are-such-a-douchebag-and-I-wish-you-and-all-your-offspring-would-die-and-go-straight-to-hell-because-your-behaviour-and-mannerisms-make-me-want-to-poke-holes-in-my-spleen-despite-the-fact-i-don’t-even-know-where-my-spleen-is"
I like the new phrase. Instead of pet peeve I will say "fuck-I-hate-you-motherfucker-I-can’t-believe-you-are-such-a-douchebag-and-I-wish-you-and-all-your-offspring-would-die-and-go-straight-to-hell-because-your-behaviour-and-mannerisms-make-me-want-to-poke-holes-in-my-spleen-despite-the-fact-i-don’t-even-know-where-my-spleen-is".
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