Moo!

It’s storytime kids, gather round….hey you! In the back… quit slouching and join the group. Let’s begin…

Once upon a time, there was a cow. She wasn’t a calf mind you, she was getting on in cow years and was starting to show a little around the edges. Her name was… well, let’s just call her A. A thought she was the crème de la crème of cows. She had ruled long in the grassfield and had perfected the art of pretending to mulch, while all the while sleeping and mooing to her cow friends who would listen to her. The cow herders had no idea that A really did very little in the grassfield, and continued to keep her alive because they believed she was such an excellent cow.

Years passed and A’s head just got bigger and bigger. When the cow herders asked her to learn new tricks, A would just moo loudly at them and turn her back. She mooed at the other cows, thinking that her cow stories were so funny and important, and wouldn’t let the other cows get in a moo otherwise. She would spend her days lounging in the grass, mooing to anyone who listened that other cows didn’t work as hard as she.

One day, the cow herders brought in a new calf. Well, she was more a new(ish) cow than she was a calf, but she really wished she was still in the later stages of being a calf. Let’s call her G. G came into the grassfield, all bright-eyed and bushy tailed, ready to mulch grass and work hard. Immediately, G and A did not get along. A was threatened because G was brought in as Cow Tier 1, which was way above A’s Cow Tier 2. G was very frustrated. While G was working hard, toiling in the grassfields, A was lazing around near the fence, swishing her tail and counting down the hours until all the cows went back to the barn. And A couldn’t even swish her tail quietly! All day long all G could hear was the “swish, swish, swish” sound as A did nothing. Throughout it all, none of the cow herders noticed.

G snapped. She had had enough.

Now here’s where things get interesting….

G had a secret. No one knew that G came from a very interesting family of angry cows. One night, G broke out of the barn, and climbed into the tractor the cow herders kept stored on the side of the barn. It took all night, but G learned three very important skills sets that night. She learned how to turn the tractor on, how to shift it into drive, and what pedal would accelerate the tractor. When that was done, G laid in wait….

Finally it was morning. A was let out into the pasture and immediately went out to the fence to lie around and do nothing. Suddenly a loud sputter sounded from the barn, and all the cows stopped their work in surprise. The tractor roared to life, and G aimed the tractor straight for A, the gas pedal held down firmly by her cloven hoof. Everyone except for A moo-screamed and dived out of the way. A was too busy grooming herself to even notice.

With a loud, guttural moo, G slammed the tractor front into A’s unsuspecting form. Blood and cow bits flew, and A never even had a chance to cry out. Soon, G was covered in a sea of red, but it wasn’t enough. She reversed the tractor and ran over A’s tattered cow parts, still thick with membrane and bone. When that was done, G got out of the tractor and located A’s head near the wheel. The initial impact was so sharp that it severed the cow in half. G made her way to the mangled body part and surprisingly, A was still alive. G kicked her hooves into A’s face, and stomped on her face. Mercifullly, A died shortly after.

G made her way to the cow herders, and the other cows nearby. Fully expecting to go on the chopping block for her crime of passion, she was surprised when one of the cow herders smiled and nodded at her. “Thank god the bitch is dead!”, he shouted! The humans cheered and all the other cows mooed. He, and a handful of the other cow herders, lifted G onto their shoulders and cried out “hip hip hooray!”.

The moral of the story kids? COW KARMA IS A BITCH.