Start off with a joke...

I don’t know about you, but I am the type of person who is unable to speak to people I don’t know. I clam up, my palms get sweaty, eyes start rolling into the back of my head, spit dribbles out of my mouth…. It’s not a pretty sight. I am a social disgrace. It’s disgusting. In fact, most mornings, I wake up completely perplexed as to how I have friends beyond me, myself, and I! On a good day I can count up to 2 people as friends! TWO!

What people like me need are handy conversation starters. Just something to get the ball rolling, increase the comfort threshold, and before you know it, you’ll be the life of the party! People will be lining up to receive your business card party favours. So below is my crib list. I fully plan on studying up on conversation tips and maybe (just maybe!), I will be able to count 4 people as friends! FOUR! I’m rubbing my hands together in greedy anticipation….!

1) “That’s a lovely dress! My mother has a mumu just like it!” (tip: you have to touch the sleeve of the dress in order to show your sincerity. But just a light touch, anything further and you’ll have to tip the poor woman for the experience)
2) “Hello sir, I really like your hair colour. Is it a toupee, or out of a box?” (tip: pointing at the hair is especially effective)
3) This is for the party hostess/host: “Mhmmmm! That platter arrangement was delicious! It looked like cat vomit, but it sure tasted nothing like it!”.
4) “Wow! You sure are brave for wearing those pants!”. (perfect for children, men, women, animals, etc….. I call this the all-inclusive conversation starter)
5) “Oh boy! With the way you’re spreading your legs, you should be a gymnast!” (tip: smile brightly after making this statement)
6) “You look familiar. Didn’t I give you money behind the Mac’s store last week?”. Alternatively, if the potential friend is older, you can say: “You look familiar! Didn’t you sell me crack 6 years ago?”.
7) “Do you always wear this much makeup? Did [host name] forget to tell me that this was a costume party?”.
8) “Christ you can open your mouth wide! Have you thought about a career in the porn industry? I think you could give deep throat a whole new meaning….”
9) “Hi [insert name]! [so and so – insert name] has told me so much about you!”. Then follow it up with a story that so and so may have told you about the person. Like, “[so and so] told me about the time you pissed your pants at work and had to wash them in the sink!”, OR “[so and so] told me that you used to be a dumb whore back in the day! I guess not much as changed, eh?!”.

Genius. With these tips you will be armed to be the centre of attention at the party. I have tons more tips, just contact me to receive the rest (only $9.99 plus GST).