Plenty of fish in the sea

Gods! Are all the good fishes in the sea all fried and eaten? Is it true that the dating pool is made up of all the little cast-off fishes that no self-respecting man would touch with a 10 ft pole?!!

Nos-Chin is seriously debating becoming a same-sex luver, or indulging in some self-love right about now. I cannot seem to catch a break. I’d become a Buddhist monk and swear off love altogether, but Buddhism isn’t based on the foundation of killing and consuming your fellow person. It’s about eating rice and talking really loud so people think you’re always angry, or something. Apparently, having a healthy diet of human flesh is enough to get me banned from the temple. Frankly, I think that is a wee bit hypocritical considering there’s no way Buddha got that fat without eating at least some human blubber as protein. Not to mention the fact that he always has these happy rosy-cheeked children climbing all over him, and that’s pretty suspect too. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

Either way, Nos-Chin is not having luck with the women. Observe:

1) Natalie: nice hair, great rack, but SEVERE acne. She needed to get herself some of that acne product that Jessica Simpson and Vanessa William endorse PRONTO. I felt like I was dating Natalie and her craters. “Hi baby, how you doing? And how are you doing, you pus-filled pustules obliterating Natalie’s face?”
2) Yvette: wonderful, wonderful girl. Polite, funny, smart, beautiful. The whole entire package… you know, when she wasn’t suffering from fits of narcolepsy. Call me shallow but I couldn’t date a woman who kept falling asleep during dinners/movies. That’s good hard-earned money down the drain. That shit gets expensive, and you try earning money when you’re 2 inches tall, and are immobile and swinging from a rear-view mirror most of the time. Not to mention the problems during intimate times. YOU try keeping it up while she is down, if you know what I am saying.
3) Samantha: compulsive liar. No, you are not the offspring of Jesus and Mariah Carey. No, that dress was not given to you by Oprah. No, Brad Pitt is not your brother. No, I did not say I was going to marry you. No, No, No!
4) Carrie: klepto. Samantha and Carrie need to get together and start a liars and cheats club. Carrie, if you’re reading this: I AM going to notice when you steal my clothes items. When you own as few possessions as I do, and your head gear is one of 3 items of clothing you own, I do tend to notice when my head gear goes missing off my head.
5) Barb: butt ugly. I’ve had bowel movements that were more attractive.
6) Phoebe: another great girl, but she had this giant mole on her cheek. GIANT. It was its own planet. I’d try to listen to her talk, but my vision would zero onto her mole. I always felt like it was trying to communicate with me, pulsating a message out in morse code, and I couldn’t tear my vision away. I couldn’t kiss her without thinking that mole was going to eat me alive. Look, I’m not proud that I broke up with her by screaming “It’s alive! It’s alive!” before running away, but I just couldn’t deal anymore. Perhaps one day I will run into her and can apologize. Hopefully after she has that mole removed.
7) Chantal: the personality of a dead fish. Dull, dull, and more dull. I’ve had better conversations with the bozos who drive me around every morning (and those two are a work of art. I think they share one brain).
8) Amanda: she was a HE.

So that’s about it. Nos-Chin just ain’t having any luck. I’m starting to think it might be me. IS IT ME?!!!